Stay Awake

He startled awake, gathered his wits
Not yet used to 24 hour shifts
Especially in a country as strange as this
He rubbed his eyes, shook his head
Tried counting to one hundred
It wasn’t time to be done yet
He tried to continue undeterred
But his thoughts always drifted to her
Probably in a sleep disturbed
By fretful dreams while he was gone
Like every night he wished he was home
To hold her in his arms and not feel so alone
But he’d wed the army first, it had control
And it had first rights to his soul
Even the times when he’d rather let it go
He stretched his legs, a trick he’d found
Sometimes it helped to move around
The base was silent, without a sound

Stay awake
Stay awake
He chanted to himself as he kept pace
Who knew what could happen this late
Had to keep alert, stay awa…

He didn’t even hear the RPG
Until it rocketed him from sleep

She kissed his picture, turned on the light
Just like she did every night
Said a prayer that he’d be all right
He’d said he’d call her tonight from the combat zone
She glanced once more at the phone
Why wasn’t he calling-was something wrong?
She tried to calm herself from wild beliefs
It was the army, she knew there was no relief
The only thing it guaranteed was grief
Sometimes she really hated being army strong
Because it kept him away for so long
Always worrying, hoping nothing went wrong

Stay awake
Stay awake
She rarely stayed up so late
And when he’d call was anyone’s guess
So her head dropped to her chest
Just a few minutes to give her eyes a rest
But she couldn’t go to sleep, had to stay awa…

Through his pain, he tried to sound reassuring
By the time she got the message, it was morning

She wiggled away from her again
As her mom tried tucking her into bed
“Daddy’s coming home!” she said
Her mom laughed and kissed her
She knew how much Daddy missed her
“He’ll be in really late, sweetie,” she whispered
She turned her night light on low
And she ran over to the window
Tried to see to the driveway below
Was he here yet, had he come?
When was Daddy finally gonna be home?

Stay awake
Stay awake
She tried thinking of all the memories they’d make
All the trips all together they’d take
She had to see him, stay awa…

She startled from sleep by a sound
Ran out the door to look around
And saw something that made her heart pound
Daddy was standing at the foot of the stairs
And not all of him was there
But he looked up and said, “Hey, little bear”
And she launched herself into his waiting arms
He held her close, he was still so strong
Everything was right where it belonged
“What are you doing up so late?”
She hugged him tightly, said, “I wanted to wait
To make sure you’d come home safe
I had to stay awake”

18 Hours

Red eye flight, 15 hours long
He leaned his head against the seat
Only a few minutes into the trip
And his heart was already skipping a beat

Stewardess came around later
Pushing her cart up and down the aisle
Asked if he needed anything
He shook his head and gave her a smile

Passenger beside him leaned forward
Asked, “Where you headed to, soldier?”
He closed his eyes for a moment
“I’m going home,” he told her

“Coming back from active duty?”
She gently touched his sleeve
He smiled, shook his head and said,
“This time just a 2 day leave.”

She looked surprised as she said
“Then what are you doing on this flight?
You’ll only have 18 hours home.”
He said, “I’ll be with my family for a night.”

“My wife just had a baby,
A beautiful little girl.
And it’s our third anniversary
I wouldn’t want to miss it for the world.”

“I know it probably seems crazy
But I’ll do everything in my power,
38 hours on a plane
To see my family for those few hours.”

Passenger shook her head in disbelief
“I’ll admit, in some ways it does
But guys like you deserve the most
To be with the ones you love.”

15 hours later, they touched down
She smiled and said, “It was a pleasure to meet you.
Enjoy your time with your family
And thank you for all that you do.”

They shook hands and parted ways
He went to the gate, his gait had a spring
He had 18 hours with his wife and daughter
And he didn’t want to miss a thing.

Letter from a Soldier to an Old Friend

Dear friend,
I got your letter
Thanks for it—
How’ve you been?

Since basic
Things are better
I’ve been in Iraq since
I don’t know when

Haven’t seen you
In a long time
Hope everyone’s
Doing well

As for me
I’m doing fine
Got some metal in me
From a shell

Heard the news
You tied the knot
Couldn’t believe it
Congratulations

Wish I’d known then
Maybe could’ve got
Leave from where
I am stationed

Thanks for the words
Of confidence
You don’t know
What they mean

People are pissed
It doesn’t make sense
Like I’m fighting
This war for me

Someone asked me
Just the other day
Why the hell I’m here
Why I fight

You know I didn’t
Know what to say
Nothing I do
Ever comes out right

I often ask myself
Why I’m here
Losing my humanity
To this war

So I try not to think
Or dwell on the fear
And just push forward
When I’m unsure

I wouldn’t choose
To pick a fight
With people who hate
Us like they do

This whole thing
May not be right
So for your support
I thank you

Sometimes I wish
It could have worked
Thought we should have
Tried again

But it’s for the best
Even though it hurts
And I’m glad I have you
For a friend

Damn, things change
Can’t keep up
Just gotta hold on
Hope for the best

When things over
Here get rough
I think of you
My comfort in this mess

Whatever happens
I hope you know
I’m grateful for friends
And support, too

And whatever way
That this war goes
I’m not fighting for freedom
I’m fighting for you

Take Me Away

Everything I was holding onto
Has been ripped right from my hands
No words to describe, none to say
None to help me understand

Take me away
Take me away
Far from this place and my pain
I don’t have words to say
Words to say
To make it on my own
Take me away

Now there is nothing between us
It’s just you and you are all
Nowhere else to hide
You’re all I have to fall

Take me away
Take me away
Into a place free from pain
No reason to stay
Reason to stay
I’m left here all alone
Take me away

So now you know just who I am
And all the things I wish I could be
Do my failures drive you further
Away—can you love me?

You promised me a safe place
Where I can go and shouldn’t fear
You’re waiting there, waiting there
You’ll wash away my tears

Take me away
Take me away
To the place you have made
Don’t be afraid
I’m not afraid
To share my wounded soul
Take me away

Take me away
Take me away
And right here I’ll always stay
I know I am safe
I am safe
No fears or shame haunt me
You took them away

I am free

There

She feels him tremble next to her
As the last of his resolve breaks
The guns roar, overhead planes soar
Beneath them the ground quakes

She knows he sees it in his mind
As he tries to pay his respects
To the friend from school he lost in Kabul
But he can’t lose his effects

She saw the change right away
As soon as he walked through the door
He was dead inside, empty-eyed
Not a joker like he was before

She tried to talk to him a little then
But found it was just too hard
Every now and then she tries again
But she doesn’t ever get very far

She knew today would be the day
She’d finally see him bear
A little more than he had before
He can’t hold back his hurts today

She steals a glance as he bows his head
As they lower him into the ground
She wonders how she’ll talk to him now
And if his smiles can still be found

She knows not now, not just yet
He’s got a world of hurt in his eyes
As they fold the flag, she sees him sag
As he says his last goodbyes

And finally there he breaks down
Unlocks a world of pain she can’t understand
She lets him cry, for now doesn’t try
And just reaches through it to hold his hand

Whiskey Lullaby

Play me a whiskey lullaby, she said
It’s all I want to hear
The words don’t even matter
Just something to help me forget

Sing me a ballad to tonic and gin
To the potions of remorse
To the things we do to avoid regret
To our bitter past and bitter sin

The look in her eyes was faraway
Haunted by unnamable things
She poured a glass and raised it up
Here’s to the things that never stay

Here’s to love we lost or let slip by
Here’s to all the chances we missed
Here’s to wasting precious time
Here’s to the things we wish we’d tried

Play me a song about vodka straight
Hot going down like fresh tears on our face
A tune for what time can’t erase
An ode to inescapable fate

Play a whiskey lullaby, she said
Something sad and slow
A tribute to pain and not moving on
To words in anger and words unsaid

She raised her glass of Jack with a sad smile
Don’t worry about me tonight, she said
I’ll be OK come morning light
But now I just want to be sad for a while

Lose myself to what could have been
Get struck by a melancholy melody tonight
Get a little overwhelmed by life
Before I let the healing in

Rainy Day

Woke up this morning to a sky of a gray
Rain, rain, please go away
Tired of these gloomy skies
Wash away my half-hearted tries
To track the light and pocket the sun
It’s hard to find, it’s been gone so long
Water washes out the lines I’ve crossed
The race isn’t over and I feel like I’ve lost
And when I stand in the gray, my strength has left me
Can’t see the light, the skies are empty
And though it’s passed, the heart of the tempest
The rainy day remains-God couldn’t have meant this
Count the drops as they land on the roof made of tin
Count the tears and the hurt over the din
I haven’t given up yet despite the rain
Water’s washing away a lot but what remains
Is strong and solid where it stands sure
And I’m not so unhappy anymore
Maybe God has a way of using the water
To wash away the things that just don’t matter
I’m making my peace and even now
I look up and see sunlight piercing through the clouds

A Beautiful Collision

A crossroads
An intersection
A circle unending
A place where depravity
Collides with perfection
A melding and a blending

The past
The present
The road up ahead
Can’t see where it started
Can’t see where it is
Can’t see where it ends

No escape
No moving on
Just a beautiful disaster
Past creates
Who you are
Shining in grace after

Where what you’ve done
And where you’ve been
Close the wide division
Where grace and love
Meet all your sin
A beautiful collision

No Endings

Endings are always harder than they seem
Lines in the sand are blown away
It’s hard to give up on empty dreams
There’s always one thing more to say

Moving on is never to cut clean
You can’t silence thoughts at night
From doubt there rarely comes relief
You always second guess what’s right

Instinct kicks in but only a bit
And you won’t always feel at peace
You can’t just tell your heart to quit
When you need your questions just to cease

The pieces of your heart you gave away
You can’t get them back the way they were
Over time the pain will fade
But you might always have the scars

You carry your experiences with you
One part bleeds into another part
And the things that others did to you
You will carry on your heart

Endings never are quite finished
We can’t just say goodbye
And though with time the thoughts diminish
It’s never done so cut-and-dry

I guess after all the truth is this:
There is no breaking from where you’ve been
Because true endings don’t exist
Where they fade a new path begins

Maybe it’s never all said and done
Maybe it’s not the turn of a page
Maybe it’s just choosing to move on
With memories that stay but eventually fade

And someday soon further down the road
Where the road continues but starts to bend
The new will meet the past where you go
And you’ll see a beginning instead of an end

Pyromaniac

I started a fire today.
I didn’t mean to but I did.
It was just a spark.
A tiny little spark.

As if through another’s eyes,
I watched myself fan the spark
‘Til it became a flame.
Before I knew it, it was a blaze.

I couldn’t put it out.
It blazed beyond my control
And the damage was done.
Nothing I did could change it.

I started a fire today
Without match or wood.
My tongue was the match,
More devastating than any forest fire.

Yes, I started a fire today.
I didn’t mean to but I did.
It was just a word,
A tiny little word.

Voicemail

the number you are trying to reach
Is not available
Please leave a message after the beep

Hey, it’s me

I know I said I wouldn’t call
But I’m not really sober
And I just couldn’t stop thinking about you
I know we’re over, I know

I wish you would pick up
I feel like I have so much to say
I didn’t tell you a lot of things I should’ve
Maybe if I had we wouldn’t be this way

I saw your sister a couple days ago
Caught up with her it’s been a while
Told me you’re headed out soon
Made me smile livin’ your dreams it seems

Me, I’ve got some things ahead
Lots of changes in store for me
Maybe we can meet up sometime and talk
I know you said no but just this once, please?

I’m sorry, I’m babbling—I’ve had way too much to drink
I shouldn’t have called you
I just really miss you a lot
Wish there was something I could do

If you don’t want to see me, that’s fine
I understand and I don’t want to force anything
I just feel like I need to see you
I need to clarify a few things

We left on such a bad note
I said a lot of things and you need to know
That I never meant them
I said just said them so you wouldn’t know how much you hurt me

I never stopped thinking about you
I never stopped caring about you
I know you couldn’t tell by the way I acted
All I can say is I’m sorry, I don’t know what else to do

Listen, all that doesn’t even matter now
It’s been so long
I just can’t stop thinking about you
Even though I’m sure by now you’ve moved on

If you could just call me once
Just so I could tell you all this for real
I promise I won’t bug you anymore
No matter how horrible I feel about us

OK, OK, I’ll shut up now
I know you’ve got way better things to do
Than listen to this rambling message
I just wanted to say one more thing:
I love---

your message has reached its limit. To leave a message, press 5

Downpour

I am smiling

It is fixed in place
But I can only take so much

Tell me what you see
When you look at me

I am smiling
And it is convincing

I seem whole and alive
But I’m dying inside

This fragile smile masks
A pain almost beyond my grasp

I hide it very well but
I wonder if you can tell

This fragile smile is damming
My broken, bleeding heart

Any minute I’m afraid these walls
Will erupt in a sea of tears

I say I am fine, I smile
But I am more than words

I am tears and rain
Falling, falling…

Here comes the downpour…

I have shattered
My smile has fallen

My thousands of hidden sighs
Flow from me like water

I am so broken

I am pouring my regret
As salty tears falling down

I am falling
I am broken
I am tears
I am rain

And I can only smile through the pain

Glass Menagerie

Do you collect the hearts you lost
On a dresser top like me?
A reminder of my broken hearts
In a little glass menagerie

Do you have a hard time letting go
Do you still love what’s not there
Or do you drop them in a box under the bed
And forget that they are there?

Do you still remember the ones you loved
Who followed darkness another way?
Do you mourn for their passing at all
At the end of every day?

Figures cast a shadow, catch the light
Empty and transparent eternally
Doomed from the start to break your heart
Another figurine in the menagerie

Do you consider it a waste of time
The ones that walked away?
Despite your every second chance
And the price for them you paid?

Do you remember the ones who left
Like I do late at night?
Wondering if I could’ve changed it
Somehow made things right

Do you collect your failures
And trace their cold etched faces?
Too late to save, can’t replace
Just taking one of the empty spaces

Do you still see them sometimes
Or do you only see what will be?
And love who you have before you
Not trapped in a glass menagerie
Oh Lord, don’t let one of those fragile figures
Be me

Paradox

Turn my palms upward
and wonder
To put things together
or tear asunder
This body that drifts
from darkness and light
Filled with beauty
and chaos and spite
This mouth that spews
both love and hate
These hands to murder
and create
This head full of genius
yet so lazy
One step away from
utterly crazy
These arms to hold
and suffocate
The ability to build
and then to break
To draw blood and
revel in lust
To be paranoid
and yet to trust
To smile and hide
a bitter feeling
Made for death
and pain and healing
The law of inversions
A balancing act
Greater to white
Greater to black
Heart beats for love
and hard as stone
Desperate for connection
longs to be alone
Longing to share
an intimate feeling
Yet afraid of being
too revealing
Bodies made
to procreate
Bodies that assault
and rape
These eyes to see
yet so blind
The suffering
refuse to find
A living fractal
Broken, repeating
Progressing forward
And receding
Voices cry freedom
minds molded to follow
Searching for joy
and yet causing sorrow
These feet to walk and then
kick down
This face to smile and cry
and frown
These ears to hear and
then ignore
To pray for peace and
call to war
A killer and
a lover all
Putting up and then
destroying walls
Spit in God’s face
and then cry for him
Baptized in grace
yet living in sin
This mind to split atoms
and cure disease
Destruction and salvation
both conceived
A tongue to praise
and then it mocks
A person who acts
a person who talks
To slay the giant
a sling full of rocks
A conflict
A contradiction
A paradox

Losing

I knew that stepping aside
So You could step forward
Would be hard
But I didn't know how much
Because losing myself
Feels a lot like losing out
And letting You in
By letting go
Feels a lot like losing control
Finding You
Feels a lot like losing my way
And moving on
Feels a lot like giving up
Sometimes it's so hard to trust You
Because I feel like I'm alone
And leaving everything I've ever known
Is the hardest thing I've had to do
Losing my selfish purpose
Feels a lot like aimlessness
And sometimes seeking You
Feels more like just waiting
Trying to walk in the light
Feels like stumbling in the dark
And for all the certainty I had
Now I'm suddenly unsure
Letting You be my strength
Feels a lot like weakness
Letting You lead the way
Feels like getting left far behind
And having any kind of faith
Leaves me feeling blind
Losing my common sense
Doesn't make sense at all
Giving my heart to You
Feels a lot like breaking my heart
Putting my hope in You
Sometimes feels like despair
Not getting the things I think I need
Makes me wonder if You care
I confess dying to You
Sometimes feels like losing my life
And yet I do
Trusting, hoping, praying,
Losing myself to You
Will make me lose my doubt and fear
And give me more than I could ever dream...