No Endings

Endings are always harder than they seem
Lines in the sand are blown away
It’s hard to give up on empty dreams
There’s always one thing more to say

Moving on is never to cut clean
You can’t silence thoughts at night
From doubt there rarely comes relief
You always second guess what’s right

Instinct kicks in but only a bit
And you won’t always feel at peace
You can’t just tell your heart to quit
When you need your questions just to cease

The pieces of your heart you gave away
You can’t get them back the way they were
Over time the pain will fade
But you might always have the scars

You carry your experiences with you
One part bleeds into another part
And the things that others did to you
You will carry on your heart

Endings never are quite finished
We can’t just say goodbye
And though with time the thoughts diminish
It’s never done so cut-and-dry

I guess after all the truth is this:
There is no breaking from where you’ve been
Because true endings don’t exist
Where they fade a new path begins

Maybe it’s never all said and done
Maybe it’s not the turn of a page
Maybe it’s just choosing to move on
With memories that stay but eventually fade

And someday soon further down the road
Where the road continues but starts to bend
The new will meet the past where you go
And you’ll see a beginning instead of an end

Pyromaniac

I started a fire today.
I didn’t mean to but I did.
It was just a spark.
A tiny little spark.

As if through another’s eyes,
I watched myself fan the spark
‘Til it became a flame.
Before I knew it, it was a blaze.

I couldn’t put it out.
It blazed beyond my control
And the damage was done.
Nothing I did could change it.

I started a fire today
Without match or wood.
My tongue was the match,
More devastating than any forest fire.

Yes, I started a fire today.
I didn’t mean to but I did.
It was just a word,
A tiny little word.

Voicemail

the number you are trying to reach
Is not available
Please leave a message after the beep

Hey, it’s me

I know I said I wouldn’t call
But I’m not really sober
And I just couldn’t stop thinking about you
I know we’re over, I know

I wish you would pick up
I feel like I have so much to say
I didn’t tell you a lot of things I should’ve
Maybe if I had we wouldn’t be this way

I saw your sister a couple days ago
Caught up with her it’s been a while
Told me you’re headed out soon
Made me smile livin’ your dreams it seems

Me, I’ve got some things ahead
Lots of changes in store for me
Maybe we can meet up sometime and talk
I know you said no but just this once, please?

I’m sorry, I’m babbling—I’ve had way too much to drink
I shouldn’t have called you
I just really miss you a lot
Wish there was something I could do

If you don’t want to see me, that’s fine
I understand and I don’t want to force anything
I just feel like I need to see you
I need to clarify a few things

We left on such a bad note
I said a lot of things and you need to know
That I never meant them
I said just said them so you wouldn’t know how much you hurt me

I never stopped thinking about you
I never stopped caring about you
I know you couldn’t tell by the way I acted
All I can say is I’m sorry, I don’t know what else to do

Listen, all that doesn’t even matter now
It’s been so long
I just can’t stop thinking about you
Even though I’m sure by now you’ve moved on

If you could just call me once
Just so I could tell you all this for real
I promise I won’t bug you anymore
No matter how horrible I feel about us

OK, OK, I’ll shut up now
I know you’ve got way better things to do
Than listen to this rambling message
I just wanted to say one more thing:
I love---

your message has reached its limit. To leave a message, press 5

Downpour

I am smiling

It is fixed in place
But I can only take so much

Tell me what you see
When you look at me

I am smiling
And it is convincing

I seem whole and alive
But I’m dying inside

This fragile smile masks
A pain almost beyond my grasp

I hide it very well but
I wonder if you can tell

This fragile smile is damming
My broken, bleeding heart

Any minute I’m afraid these walls
Will erupt in a sea of tears

I say I am fine, I smile
But I am more than words

I am tears and rain
Falling, falling…

Here comes the downpour…

I have shattered
My smile has fallen

My thousands of hidden sighs
Flow from me like water

I am so broken

I am pouring my regret
As salty tears falling down

I am falling
I am broken
I am tears
I am rain

And I can only smile through the pain

Glass Menagerie

Do you collect the hearts you lost
On a dresser top like me?
A reminder of my broken hearts
In a little glass menagerie

Do you have a hard time letting go
Do you still love what’s not there
Or do you drop them in a box under the bed
And forget that they are there?

Do you still remember the ones you loved
Who followed darkness another way?
Do you mourn for their passing at all
At the end of every day?

Figures cast a shadow, catch the light
Empty and transparent eternally
Doomed from the start to break your heart
Another figurine in the menagerie

Do you consider it a waste of time
The ones that walked away?
Despite your every second chance
And the price for them you paid?

Do you remember the ones who left
Like I do late at night?
Wondering if I could’ve changed it
Somehow made things right

Do you collect your failures
And trace their cold etched faces?
Too late to save, can’t replace
Just taking one of the empty spaces

Do you still see them sometimes
Or do you only see what will be?
And love who you have before you
Not trapped in a glass menagerie
Oh Lord, don’t let one of those fragile figures
Be me

Paradox

Turn my palms upward
and wonder
To put things together
or tear asunder
This body that drifts
from darkness and light
Filled with beauty
and chaos and spite
This mouth that spews
both love and hate
These hands to murder
and create
This head full of genius
yet so lazy
One step away from
utterly crazy
These arms to hold
and suffocate
The ability to build
and then to break
To draw blood and
revel in lust
To be paranoid
and yet to trust
To smile and hide
a bitter feeling
Made for death
and pain and healing
The law of inversions
A balancing act
Greater to white
Greater to black
Heart beats for love
and hard as stone
Desperate for connection
longs to be alone
Longing to share
an intimate feeling
Yet afraid of being
too revealing
Bodies made
to procreate
Bodies that assault
and rape
These eyes to see
yet so blind
The suffering
refuse to find
A living fractal
Broken, repeating
Progressing forward
And receding
Voices cry freedom
minds molded to follow
Searching for joy
and yet causing sorrow
These feet to walk and then
kick down
This face to smile and cry
and frown
These ears to hear and
then ignore
To pray for peace and
call to war
A killer and
a lover all
Putting up and then
destroying walls
Spit in God’s face
and then cry for him
Baptized in grace
yet living in sin
This mind to split atoms
and cure disease
Destruction and salvation
both conceived
A tongue to praise
and then it mocks
A person who acts
a person who talks
To slay the giant
a sling full of rocks
A conflict
A contradiction
A paradox

Losing

I knew that stepping aside
So You could step forward
Would be hard
But I didn't know how much
Because losing myself
Feels a lot like losing out
And letting You in
By letting go
Feels a lot like losing control
Finding You
Feels a lot like losing my way
And moving on
Feels a lot like giving up
Sometimes it's so hard to trust You
Because I feel like I'm alone
And leaving everything I've ever known
Is the hardest thing I've had to do
Losing my selfish purpose
Feels a lot like aimlessness
And sometimes seeking You
Feels more like just waiting
Trying to walk in the light
Feels like stumbling in the dark
And for all the certainty I had
Now I'm suddenly unsure
Letting You be my strength
Feels a lot like weakness
Letting You lead the way
Feels like getting left far behind
And having any kind of faith
Leaves me feeling blind
Losing my common sense
Doesn't make sense at all
Giving my heart to You
Feels a lot like breaking my heart
Putting my hope in You
Sometimes feels like despair
Not getting the things I think I need
Makes me wonder if You care
I confess dying to You
Sometimes feels like losing my life
And yet I do
Trusting, hoping, praying,
Losing myself to You
Will make me lose my doubt and fear
And give me more than I could ever dream...