goodbye in your eyes

It was when
you were standing there
looking at me that way
that I finally saw
the goodbye in your eyes
and part of me wishes
I hadn't seen it at all
and all of a sudden
I knew
you weren't mine
anymore
if you ever really were
and I wish I had taken longer
to take you in then
you never said a word
but the goodbye in your eyes
said it all
and made anything
I might have said
to stop you
a waste of breath

only you

It seems really unfair

that you carved out

a spot in my stone heart

and sat in it long enough

to smooth the edges

And then you left

and now there is a hole

perfectly shaped

so only you

can fill it

make me still

I am here

In the place

The one I know

This chaos of motion

My comfort zone

 ‘midst the swirling storm

Of endless drive

And violence

Of thoughts

And constantly

Constantly

Beating towards

A horizon

That slips further

And further

Ahead of me

I can’t seem to stop

I am here

Alone with my thoughts

The most dangerous place

Where I am never safe

Trapped

In a circle

Chaos of motion

That pulls at me

Even in peace

In darkness

Before sleep

I am not unhappy here

But some days

I am lost

Running

Always running

With no way

To stop

I never will

On those days

It’s you

And only you

That make me still

words you never said

I never saw it coming

until I looked over at you then

and saw the look in your eyes

it caught me by surprise

and I didn't know what to say

you wore everything you felt

plain on your face

I didn’t know you felt this way

and you opened your mouth

to let the words come out,

“I love—”

but I panicked and said,

“Don’t say it”

and you listened

and just let the words

slip away

my heart beat violently then

inside of my chest

because we both know

it’s for the best in the end

you can’t take back

words you never said

the smell of smoke

ember glows
from the end
of my cigarette
I draw deep
and then exhale
the smell of smoke
always reminds me
of loneliness
and of you
two things
I can never
quite seem
to shake off

I'm not a smoker

I'm not a smoker
I'm just out here
at the smoke pit
with my cigarette
lighting one up
and watching smoke
fade into night sky
not ready yet
to go back inside
I don't tell anyone
I smoke now and then
more now than then
and let it be
our little secret
even though each time
I swear never again
I don't like the taste
of smoke on my tongue
but I like it on yours
and the way it lingers
on your skin
and on mine
long after we let go
I'm not a smoker
but some things
are hard to let go
and we stand out
here in the cold
and you ask
if I want just one more
and when you look at me
that way
what else
could I possibly say
but yes?
Light them up
stare out over the lights
that fade into stars
a dozen unsaid things
pass between us
and disappear
with the smoke
I'm not a smoker
but I will smoke
a thousand more
if it means I can stay here
with you like this
just a little longer

I want to tell you to take the long way home

We cross that bridge

The one we came all the way

Out here to see

And God it’s a beautiful view

We take the winding road

To get there

And it’s worth every minute

A few times I glance at you

And there are a dozen words

I want to say on my lips

But they don’t come

And when we head back

A straight road ahead

I’m still working up the courage

To tell you these thoughts

God, you’re a beautiful view

And I wonder if you know

That I’m hoping you’ll take

The long way home

Maybe by then I’ll have said them

But we’ll cross that bridge

When we come to it

And for now I just look away

Out at the road ahead

And tell myself

To just enjoy the ride