we love who we love

it is becoming
clearer to me now
as time goes on
and I make
the same mistakes
we don't get to choose
who we love in this life
we just do and then
try to replace
the pieces they take

my salvation

don't pray for the salvation
of my soul
wondering where I'll go
when I die
rather
pray for my salvation
from you
for I have loved you
for a while now
and cannot for
the love of God
understand why

the look in your eyes

you said you didn't care anymore
whatever we had
came and went
but when you saw me
there with him
there was a strange look
in your eyes
and I wish my heart
could tell me
what that look
really meant

today

And then there was today
Today
Today
was the first day in a while
where I realized
I'm OK
I'm OK
I'm starting to be OK

you are an ocean

you are an ocean
and all I want
is to sail the storms
inside of you
places uncharted before
but if you are an ocean
then all I am
is a ship
that you wreck
on the shore

goodbye in your eyes

It was when
you were standing there
looking at me that way
that I finally saw
the goodbye in your eyes
and part of me wishes
I hadn't seen it at all
and all of a sudden
I knew
you weren't mine
anymore
if you ever really were
and I wish I had taken longer
to take you in then
you never said a word
but the goodbye in your eyes
said it all
and made anything
I might have said
to stop you
a waste of breath

only you

It seems really unfair

that you carved out

a spot in my stone heart

and sat in it long enough

to smooth the edges

And then you left

and now there is a hole

perfectly shaped

so only you

can fill it

make me still

I am here

In the place

The one I know

This chaos of motion

My comfort zone

 ‘midst the swirling storm

Of endless drive

And violence

Of thoughts

And constantly

Constantly

Beating towards

A horizon

That slips further

And further

Ahead of me

I can’t seem to stop

I am here

Alone with my thoughts

The most dangerous place

Where I am never safe

Trapped

In a circle

Chaos of motion

That pulls at me

Even in peace

In darkness

Before sleep

I am not unhappy here

But some days

I am lost

Running

Always running

With no way

To stop

I never will

On those days

It’s you

And only you

That make me still

words you never said

I never saw it coming

until I looked over at you then

and saw the look in your eyes

it caught me by surprise

and I didn't know what to say

you wore everything you felt

plain on your face

I didn’t know you felt this way

and you opened your mouth

to let the words come out,

“I love—”

but I panicked and said,

“Don’t say it”

and you listened

and just let the words

slip away

my heart beat violently then

inside of my chest

because we both know

it’s for the best in the end

you can’t take back

words you never said

the smell of smoke

ember glows
from the end
of my cigarette
I draw deep
and then exhale
the smell of smoke
always reminds me
of loneliness
and of you
two things
I can never
quite seem
to shake off

I'm not a smoker

I'm not a smoker
I'm just out here
at the smoke pit
with my cigarette
lighting one up
and watching smoke
fade into night sky
not ready yet
to go back inside
I don't tell anyone
I smoke now and then
more now than then
and let it be
our little secret
even though each time
I swear never again
I don't like the taste
of smoke on my tongue
but I like it on yours
and the way it lingers
on your skin
and on mine
long after we let go
I'm not a smoker
but some things
are hard to let go
and we stand out
here in the cold
and you ask
if I want just one more
and when you look at me
that way
what else
could I possibly say
but yes?
Light them up
stare out over the lights
that fade into stars
a dozen unsaid things
pass between us
and disappear
with the smoke
I'm not a smoker
but I will smoke
a thousand more
if it means I can stay here
with you like this
just a little longer

I want to tell you to take the long way home

We cross that bridge

The one we came all the way

Out here to see

And God it’s a beautiful view

We take the winding road

To get there

And it’s worth every minute

A few times I glance at you

And there are a dozen words

I want to say on my lips

But they don’t come

And when we head back

A straight road ahead

I’m still working up the courage

To tell you these thoughts

God, you’re a beautiful view

And I wonder if you know

That I’m hoping you’ll take

The long way home

Maybe by then I’ll have said them

But we’ll cross that bridge

When we come to it

And for now I just look away

Out at the road ahead

And tell myself

To just enjoy the ride

we always walk slower

We always walk slower

Up the final set of stairs

When we come back together

Because when we get to the top

We have to part ways

And say goodbye

It doesn’t matter

If it’s not for long this time

Because we both know eventually

One day too soon

When we get to the top

We will have to say goodbye

For good

We might run

The whole way to get there

But we always walk slower

Up the final set of stairs

Like maybe if we take our time

The goodbye will never come

only words

The question
why he would do that
for me
and your smile
when you respond
like of course
I should already know
"Because he's crazy
about you,"
you say
and I laugh
mostly to hide
how much I wish
that were true
but I know
they're only words
They're only words

how you know you love someone

You can break me

You know exactly how to do it

know exactly the tender places

the weak ones

the places of me

that aren't all shored up

You know how far to push

and where

You know how hard to hit

to draw blood and tears

You can take this strong body

and tear it apart

with words and blows and meanings

throwing the pieces

so far apart

I’ll never be whole again

You can break me

you know all the ways

to make me fall

when I’m vulnerable

soft and scared

because you’ve seen me these ways

And because of this

I know that I love you

because you can break me

utterly destroy me

But you won’t

no, you hand me a hammer

and some nails, instead

and say, “Let’s build”

I did not send your letter

I wrote you a letter
things I want to say to you
thoughts I cannot voice
except on blank white sheets
safe here where you can't see
so many things you never knew
but wish I could bring myself
to say to you face-to-face
I wrote them in a letter
one I knew I would not send
but I cannot bear to throw it out
I wrote you a letter
because you never knew
how thoughts of you when I'm here
help to pull me through
I run your words through my head
wonder how many of them you meant
and if you ever realized
how much they meant to me
I told you in a letter
how much I think of you
folded, addressed, and stamped
so you would know I care
But I did not send your letter

maybe I'm a little angry

Your eyes light up
when you tell me
about where you're going to go
that I can't possibly
hold it against you
even though
I don't want you to
But maybe I'm a little angry
that you're leaving me
but I never told you it mattered
You're putting on your uniform
strapping on radio and pistol
I say good luck, not what I wished
I had thought to say
before you leave and walk away
You're taking a little piece of me with you
and never even knew

know this

A drunk text at one a.m.

Too little too late to meet again

Still we say see you soon, not goodbye

Never was gonna be another try

Note and picture left at your door

Can’t say it doesn’t matter anymore

It always did and you needed to know

At least had to say it before I go

You were always a for now, not forever

There are lives out there for us that are better

But I can’t live with what I can’t say

Regret is so much harder, anyway

Who knows, maybe we’ll meet again

Who can say where, if ever, and when

Life’s crazy and hard but it goes on

And we’ll never understand it til we’re gone

But you should know you mattered to me

The way you laugh, work, play, and bleed

It’s not enough and never will be

Stay here for a minute and, damn it, tell me

Tell me I mattered to you, even just for a while

I don’t care if you mean it, go ahead—lie

4 a.m., your last text came in

Said sorry I didn’t get to see you again

My flight’s coming in and there’s no time left

When I get back, you’ll be long gone, I suspect

But before we say goodbye, see you soon, whatever

I’ll whisper this because I can’t hang on forever

You were never mine, I get it, I know

But if I never told you so,

Believe me when I tell you this:

Whatever the time, whatever the distance,

Of all the different lives we lead,

You were always my favorite dream

I never knew

I never knew

why you always go

running at midnight

with your music loud

over your footsteps

slapping the pavement

to drown out the sound

And how you would drive

hundreds of miles

for a buddy

you barely know

I never knew

why she loves you

and you sometimes love her

but not enough to say

for good

I never knew

when I found you that night

too many drinks in

to remember the sight

of me standing at your door

And the words running

along your chest

the stories

you never said

I never knew why

you never say that you care

but turned around in the dark

to pull me through

I never knew why

I can’t tell you that it matters

that you matter to me

because you will laugh

and maybe take

another step back

to keep your distance

like you always do

And I never knew why

you did that

until I saw these words

painted on your wall:

Fallujah will forever

be a part of you

And all of a sudden

I knew

don't say you don't care

you can lie to me
all you want
tell me anything you think
I want to hear
you can say it matters
when it doesn't
you can say you like it
when you don't
you can say you hate it
when you don't
you can say you will
when you won't
you can say it's over
when it isn't
you can say it'll happen
when it won't
you can say you'll do it
when you won't
you can say you won't do it
when you will
you can say you need it
when you don't
you can say you want it
when you don't

you can say to go ahead
when you know I won't

you can lie to me
all you want
but don't say
you don't care
because when I catch you
looking at me that way
I don't believe you