we love who we love

it is becoming
clearer to me now
as time goes on
and I make
the same mistakes
we don't get to choose
who we love in this life
we just do and then
try to replace
the pieces they take

my salvation

don't pray for the salvation
of my soul
wondering where I'll go
when I die
rather
pray for my salvation
from you
for I have loved you
for a while now
and cannot for
the love of God
understand why

the look in your eyes

you said you didn't care anymore
whatever we had
came and went
but when you saw me
there with him
there was a strange look
in your eyes
and I wish my heart
could tell me
what that look
really meant

today

And then there was today
Today
Today
was the first day in a while
where I realized
I'm OK
I'm OK
I'm starting to be OK

you are an ocean

you are an ocean
and all I want
is to sail the storms
inside of you
places uncharted before
but if you are an ocean
then all I am
is a ship
that you wreck
on the shore

goodbye in your eyes

It was when
you were standing there
looking at me that way
that I finally saw
the goodbye in your eyes
and part of me wishes
I hadn't seen it at all
and all of a sudden
I knew
you weren't mine
anymore
if you ever really were
and I wish I had taken longer
to take you in then
you never said a word
but the goodbye in your eyes
said it all
and made anything
I might have said
to stop you
a waste of breath

only you

It seems really unfair

that you carved out

a spot in my stone heart

and sat in it long enough

to smooth the edges

And then you left

and now there is a hole

perfectly shaped

so only you

can fill it

make me still

I am here

In the place

The one I know

This chaos of motion

My comfort zone

 ‘midst the swirling storm

Of endless drive

And violence

Of thoughts

And constantly

Constantly

Beating towards

A horizon

That slips further

And further

Ahead of me

I can’t seem to stop

I am here

Alone with my thoughts

The most dangerous place

Where I am never safe

Trapped

In a circle

Chaos of motion

That pulls at me

Even in peace

In darkness

Before sleep

I am not unhappy here

But some days

I am lost

Running

Always running

With no way

To stop

I never will

On those days

It’s you

And only you

That make me still

words you never said

I never saw it coming

until I looked over at you then

and saw the look in your eyes

it caught me by surprise

and I didn't know what to say

you wore everything you felt

plain on your face

I didn’t know you felt this way

and you opened your mouth

to let the words come out,

“I love—”

but I panicked and said,

“Don’t say it”

and you listened

and just let the words

slip away

my heart beat violently then

inside of my chest

because we both know

it’s for the best in the end

you can’t take back

words you never said

the smell of smoke

ember glows
from the end
of my cigarette
I draw deep
and then exhale
the smell of smoke
always reminds me
of loneliness
and of you
two things
I can never
quite seem
to shake off